Everything She Ever Wanted
Written for Rebel Music at The University of Oklahoma - Professor LoLordo - Summer 2023
The first time I saw the song ‘everything I wanted’ by Billie Eilish, I thought this would be a positive song. If you’re like me, the idea of having everything you ever wanted means always having your glass not just half full but filled to the brim. The liquid in this glass varies for each of us, mine fills up quickly with necessities like food, water and shelter. The leftover space is full of luxuries and nice things. Billie Eilish does a good job of leading us on here, the title is our first example but there are many more to examine. The flow of the deceptively upbeat drum pattern. The eerily full feeling of the piano, which to me sounds like it’s being played underwater. Overall, this song hides its true meaning behind a crafted mask, the same way an individual with depression may hide their feelings. This mask acts like the surface of water, instead of light passing through, we have a story passed through the mask. This story is distorted to have a different appearance. As we continue to analyze the details of this song, it’s important to peek behind the mask to understand the deeper meaning. The pieces together also show an interesting underwater theme to the song. Analyzing each piece individually gives us a doorway to exploration of mental health struggles and can serve as a connection to those who have experienced a similar pain. Our first analysis will look at our primary musical sense; hearing.
The first twenty-five seconds of the song feel surprisingly full with the lone piano. Prior to this research I had thought all happy songs used major scales, and all sad songs used minor scales. This song balances on a tight rope as it sounds eerily upbeat at the start. The first D-major seventh chord rings true as it progresses through E, C-sharp major before going -back to D-major seventh to repeat throughout. This chord progression shows us the key to the song is F-sharp minor (Hooktheory). In reference to minor scales being 'sad' scales, one reddit user says "Kinda sad how simple that is, but it's certainly tried and true." (Reddit 1). When another reddit user asked the same question I had, "Can fsharp minor be happy?", they received a reply from user 'poly_tonal' who appears to be an aspiring composer (r/Poly_tonal). The response starts off with "The emotions created from musical pitches can be quite subjective.", leading into other factors such as "tempo, texture, dynamics, etc." They continue to talk about how these factors can be combined with other musical choices to create any emotion. This perfectly describes what is happening through the first minute of the song. Around twenty-five seconds in, Billie Eilish starts singing lyrics that don't necessarily sound positive or negative. Forty-seconds in, the drum loop starts at a quick 120 beats per minute. SongBPM describes this drum beat as "very danceable" which doesn't invoke a sense of sadness. Even hearing the line "Thought I could fly...So I stepped off the Golden" (Genius), which alludes to suicide, doesn't sound sad as we're dancing to the quick drums and upbeat piano. This continues through to end of the song with subtle changes that amplify the feeling of the song, such as 'ethereal' feelings and soloing out the vocals. The effect here wasn’t done by accident. Billie Eilish and her team created this song to emphasize the refractive effect. The story becomes significantly clearer as we peek behind the mask. If you were to listen to any individual component of the song, it could be mistaken for something a bit more upbeat. The eerie underwater piano, the fast-paced 'danceable' drums, even the way Billie Eilish's voice sounds as she sings these dark lyrics. The allusion to suicide is the first example we've seen of these dark lyrics, but the song progresses into a significantly darker meaning.
As the piano carries us like waves in the ocean, and we dance to the drums, the lyrics tell us the real story. Genius.com is a wonderful resource for analyzing lyrics in songs. They do all the work of pulling sources about each verse of the song. Our first verse points us to an article with Billboard. "We had this big argument,” Billie mentions in the interview, referencing her brother, who we learn writes at least some of her lyrics. “I don’t want to write a song about you killing yourself and how that’s everything you wanted!” (Billboard). This really sets the scene for what happened as this song was being developed. Billie Eilish’s brother Finneas gives us the most insight as this interview continues. He talks about his emotions behind it as well, “It was a period where I was really worried about my sister”, he continues relating to giving an alcoholic a beer, he didn’t want to enable these dark thoughts his sister was having. We really get to see the connection between the siblings and the love Finneas has for his sister. After a year of back and forth on writing the song, the siblings finally committed to it, Billie explains “This song is the way I can feel these things without doing something to myself.”. This article shows us example after example of the struggle behind the creation of this song, the effort, thought and love behind it. The mask the song wears has been lowered, each component laid bare and examined. The deep emotion behind the song floats to the surface, and we’ve picked it apart. The last important piece of this analysis comes from my personal connection, the abstract bit, where everyone experiences it differently.
I'll be honest with you, dear reader: I do have a bias towards this song. The first few paragraphs wear same mask the song wears, and the same mask my late wife wore. Now you get a peek behind the mask, and my true connection to this song. My deep personal connection to this song lets me immediately see behind the mask. Angel was her name; she was twenty-six years old at the time, and she would describe her mental health condition through the lyrics in this song. Her borderline personality disorder was like seeing life through a different set of lenses, lenses that had been tinted quite dark after childhood abuse and abandonment. This led to her seeing the world in only black and white. We were either flowing smoothly through the day, or completely drowning together. There was only good and evil, only light and dark, only yes and no. When Angel quoted to me "I tried to scream but my head was underwater" (Genius), I felt like I was underwater with her. I could feel how misunderstood she was, and I could feel the pain. These lyrics were the key to seeing behind Angel’s mask. I finally saw the real image, not the refracted one she wanted me to see before. The lyrics "I had a dream...I got everything I wanted...But when I wake up, I see...You with me," sounded a lot darker after the first suicide attempt. On March 7th, 2020, at around 8pm, I listened to this song over the phone with her. I did not know it would be the last time we listened to it together. I did not know the third attempt would be the final one. I did not know I'd be planning a funeral a week later. I did not know I'd be writing about it three years later. What I do know is this disability changed what she wanted in life. Everything she ever wanted was to no longer be alive, to no longer deal with the suffering.
Ultimately, she got what she wanted. She is no longer struggling. I will forever be grateful for Angel allowing me to see behind her mask. It may not have been direct, but she did it in the way that made her most comfortable. Now that you have seen my analysis and my connection to this song, let’s end on a happier note. This song for me starts with sadness, which is the opposite effect I believe it was meant to have. This idea of the mask and the way it refracts a story and the emotion a person is carrying leads to a wonderful understanding of disabilities like depression, and anxiety. After a while of struggling with these issues, it is very common for a person to craft their mask. Every event in their life has developed a piece of the mask, and the emotions behind them are the glue. Connecting with someone through music unlocks the door to the real image. I urge you, reader, to take a moment to really listen the next time someone tells you they resonate with the lyrics of a song. Some deeper analysis might give you a peek behind their mask, and maybe even help save their life.
Annotated Bibliography
Aniftos, Rania. “Billie Eilish’s ‘everything I Wanted’ Was Originally about a Much Darker Subject.” _Billboard_, 2 Feb. 2023, www.billboard.com/music/pop/billie-eilish- everything-i-wanted-much-darker-subject-9334121/.
“Billie Eilish – Everything I Wanted.” _Genius_, genius.com/Billie-eilish-everything-i-wanted- lyrics. Accessed 25 May 2023.
“BPM and Key for Everything I Wanted by Billie Eilish: Tempo for Everything I Wanted: Songbpm.” _SongBPM_, songbpm.com/@billie-eilish/everything-i-wanted. Accessed 25 May 2023.
“fsharp” _Reddit_, www.reddit.com/r/musictheory/comments/k4vmnn/can_fsharp_minor_be_happy/. Accessed 25 May 2023.
“happy, upbeat.” _Reddit_, www.reddit.com/r/musictheory/comments/nokqo/what_are_some_more_upbeat_happy_s ounding/. Accessed 25 May 2023.
“Everything I Wanted by Billie Eilish Chords and Melody.” _Hooktheory_, www.hooktheory.com/theorytab/view/billie-eilish/everything-i-wanted. Accessed 25 May 2023.
“Poly_tonal (u/Poly_tonal).” _Reddit_, www.reddit.com/user/poly_tonal/. Accessed 25 May 2023.
Robidoux, B. (2020, March 12). _Billie & Finneas had a major fight over “Everything i wanted” for the saddest reason_. Elite Daily. https://www.elitedaily.com/p/billie-eilish- finneas-fight-over-everything-i-wanted-led-to-a-major-change-22617446
“Tabs - Billie Eilish - Everything I Wanted (Chords).” _Guitar.Com_, 27 Dec. 2020, tabs.ultimate-guitar.com/tab/billie-eilish/everything-i-wanted-chords-2892650.
