Five Years.

Tumon, Guam - September 18th, 2018. Where we first met.

Five years ago today I received a call from the Houston Police Department. I couldn't tell you the officer’s name but I can tell you I collapsed to the floor after the first few words came out of his mouth. Five years ago today my wife died. This is MY story.

Dear Angel, was it worth it?

Angel was the most determined person I had ever met. If she wanted something, there was no stopping her. She suffered from addiction, abandonment, and a mental health disorder eating away at her wellbeing. Borderline Personality Disorder is no joke and in the end all she wanted was to die, to leave this earth, this plane of existence. You could hear it in every word, see it in every text, those last few weeks were lifeless and I had no clue what to do.

Dear Angel, was this your choice or was it the illness?

This is my biggest struggle. I know I chose to love her every step of the way, to be there through every single twist and turn, every up and down. I loved her through threats and manipulations, I loved her through every single 'red flag' because at her core she was a good person, a beautiful human being with big dreams. She would have achieved every single one of them too.

Dear Angel, when did you know it was over? Were you scared?

I had no way of know where exactly she was that day. I knew she was in Houston and that's about it. That day was a struggle to say the least. Borderline Personality Disorder can lead to extremely black and white thinking and it's as close to dealing with an entirely different person as you can get. She sent me screenshots of the conversations, buying Heroin and Xanax and anything else she could get her hands on. She had finally fully broken and all I could do was observe. I tried with every message and every word to keep her alive, keep her talking to me, just to get through one more day. "I want a pearly white one". What do you say to that?

Dear Angel, I hope you found the peace you were looking for, it only cost the rest of us.

There are so many questions I'll never have answers to, so many questions her family will never have answers to. Death is already complicated enough, how do you comprehend someone wanting to die? Wanting to never breath another breath, never see another sunrise, never smell another flower, never see another bumblebee. Suicide is fucked up and that's that. I wish I could remember the happy times, the good times. I wish I could tell you there were even good times. I wish it didn't feel like I was being stabbed in the chest every time I try and really think about it. I wish I wasn't so fucking angry.

I couldn't make her choices for her though. I did everything in my power to keep her alive and moving forward every single day. I worried and stressed myself sick every single day, it was a war and I was losing every single battle, with no back up, no reserves, nothing extra in the tank.

Dear Angel, I tried with every single fiber of my being to be the best I could for you. I'm sorry your brain didn't let you see the good in the world.

I'm not sorry for being angry though, I'm not sorry for any of the feelings I feel. I didn't choose to end your life, I didn't choose to run off and do it in a different state, I didn't choose to do it while we were on the phone together. I didn't choose any of this, I chose life, I wanted you to live a good and decent and happy life. I didn't make your choices for you and I won't be held responsible for them. I will do bigger and better things than you could have even imagined, I will make the world a better place. I'm tired of living in your shadow. I think it's time to finally put you to rest. Good night, my love.

Read More about Angel: Everything She Ever Wanted & Choices in the Dark